Sunday, April 08, 2007

Roller Coaster of Emotions

I've had a range of emotions this weekend, some logical and others not so logical. I've rejoiced over the blessings bestowed on my friends and myself. Specifically, the Easter Vigil Mass, as Father David called it: "the Final Review, a review of salvation history from creation, to covenant, to exodus, to prophets, to resurrection," was amazing and has now become my favorite mass of the year, even at three hours long! However, I've also failed in my steadfastness at times this weekend. I've shown anger and contempt, too. What I am still learning, as life is always a learning experience, is that even when things go the way planned in some areas, this doesn't mean all the others will fall in place. This falling in place is a rare occasion and, as such, shouldn't be counted upon.

I may have the summer wrapped up in expectations that have been finally set (yes!), but this doesn't mean I have it fully planned out to the nth degree. Nor does this mean I have planned out the fall semester in the least. Not by any means whatsoever have I done so. It depends pretty much on how this semester's classes end up, which I must say isn't going any where close to what I the worst ways, and how my housing search goes. Did I mention looking for a single semester of housing stinks to high heaven? Well, it does!!! Completely! Needless to say, the Lord does provide...unfortunately not to human timetables such as mine.

I thought I had something in order, something planned. I like to think of myself as an organized person with reasonable expectations. Rejections, even kind-hearted and understandable, arise and shake one's spirits. Snafus appear and throw the proverbial monkey wrench into plans. How frustrating!

In something so reminiscent to the troubles of my heart from earlier in the semester and the end of last semester (see my earlier posts and poems for that), I've reached a frustration point that I haven't reached in months. The conversation generally could take the form of the following:
God: Okay, turn here at this next exit.
John: Ok, what now? I thought that was a perfectly good route to take!
God: We're exiting questions.
John: Why are we taking this exit?
God: There's something that I need to show you...
John: What about our destination? The attraction down the highway? Aren't we going to be late for the showing?
God: Listen, my son. That will come soon enough. That attraction isn't going anywhere. It was there before you where here, it will be there still now and it will be there after you return home. There is something along this road that I must show you first. In time, you will reach that other place...but not yet.
God: With patience you will find out. I AM, and I will show you that all is good. Trust in Me.

We should all realize that while we are to be united in Christ with our whole body, mind, soul, and doesn't mean that we cannot or, certainly, do not get at the very least confused, frustrated, or even angry about the route that God wants us to take in life (even with the small stuff). It is okay to throw one's hands up at times and say even to the Lord, our God, "What gives?" We know He isn't up there blasting a beam of light into our ant hill like a bully, so confronting God on our confusion is only a natural progression to the discovery of His will on what He wants us to do within our lives and the lives of others.

Helping usher at one of the Easter Masses this weekend, I encountered a handicapped man who entered in the narthex of the church. He stopped me by the door into the vesting room while I was carrying the collection baskets. He muttered something about looking for a friend here but could not give me that friend's name. I asked him to wait one moment and I would return. I told him if he couldn't tell me the person's name to find, I could not be able to help him find that person. So I returned after we put the collection in the safe, and then the handicapped elderly man asked me for some help...specifically monetarily help. I told him if he would please wait there on the bench (he was indeed sitting comfortably there); I would help him as soon as the Mass was over. I made every intention to finding him some help, but when I returned at the end of the Mass he had disappeared, apparently not wanting any of my help to which I had offered.

So, I tell you now, don't be like the crippled man with God. Don't request assistance from the Lord and then leave Him. He may ask you to wait a while, but often that time in between is a piece of Heaven bestowed to us, the Faithful. With patience and grace we must attend all things in due time. Vivat Jesus!

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