Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Returning to Timeless Messages

I have returned to a friend's message and other points of grace and could not help but share them, as I feel they ought to be shared. This isn't a turn of exhibitionism, but rather a magnification of the smaller workings that aren't my own.

To quote the friend:
"There is such a strange, paradoxical freedom in embracing the Cross... in stretching out your arms to be nailed, you are opening yourself, literally, in a gesture of true freedom, as if to soar as an eagle, but even yet more free, because you offer even your free will, which an eagle does not have; you accept and freely choose the Cross, though you may not like it, and in that is true freedom. A freedom that will set the Soul to true flight the morning of the Resurrection. God's timing, dear brother is perfect. We must trust and concede to it."

The problem is, quite frankly, I am stuck within His Passion. I am stuck at His Cross. More so, I am afraid I will run from that very Cross which sets me free... from the very act of Sacrifice which frees each of us with true freedom. I am John, John at the Cross. And yes, He has given me His Mother... but even that seems distant. I am lost to the terror before my eyes. I am lost even though He has given His Mother. I count everything else as a loss.

She is my compass. That through her, my thoughts and prayers are made fragrant. It is through her that I am able to soar freely in the freedom of the Cross. She, the Mother of our Lord is our Mother, too! Her "yes" can join to ours! And yet my "yes" has been drowned out...choked by these worldly concerns, my own preoccupations, my own pride, my own doubts.

I am a most unprofitable servant, still a wayward son.

My compass is stuck.

And, yet, in all of this I can see the glimmers of hope, even when I cannot share these glimmers with others around me, to others dear to me. I do see His plan within me. If only my perseverance in Him will win out.

These glimmers, how do I wish to share them! It is what compels me to carry on, to begin each day anew. Some days, they are obscured... others they burn brightly. It is the little things.

I want to share the little things, day by day. But the world seems too much, too much to overcome. But I must remember His is a battle that He has already won. All I can see is the rejection that He faced. Surely, I will be rejected, too. I must become accepting of this. For this reason, I know I am not ready, not ready for anything. I sense myself to be foolish.

Still, I see His plans in my heart. I question daily to know these aren't merely my desires... and in this, comes the hesitation. And in this I realize I must become a good son before I can even hope to become a good father. For this reason, I know I am not ready, not ready for anything.

And yet, He reaffirms these things to me in prayer: "to teach the one true Faith. How is to be done? With Charity... with Charity to all, to the little ones. It must all first be cemented in Hope... for without Hope no endeavour, blessed or ordained, ever gets off the ground. We must endure in Hope. This is what it means when we are to live a life, a vocation of Love."

These words came to me before Our Lord... and to Him they will return. I don't wish them to be hollow, but even in the Resurrection it seems I have lost the Way. How then can I teach the one true Faith? Just as much as I cannot earnestly write of love, if I don't first experience it. And it all seems dead to me. It feels as though I am charlatan. And, yet still: "praestet fides supplementum sensuum defectui."

Those words of encouragement remind me of my pastor's words that week of the message:
"Think of every pain and heartache, every difficulty and disappointment. Nothing, not even the sum total, can erase the ultimate victory that is ours in Jesus Christ. That is why we as Christians can never stop working at making our world a better place. As Catholics we can never love too much or do too much good. As followers of Jesus, the Risen One, we can always see good even in the midst of tragedy. We can see light even in the darkest corner. We can see hope and love everywhere because Christ has vanquished the darkness and the light fills us with radiance and joy."

In the end, we need the perseverance, the discipline, the hope of tomorrow to steal away to Him, our font of all blessings. All of this with a smiling face.

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