The Presence of the Lord: "Ite Missa Est"

Oh, this Presence! What shall I say of this? This is more than a binding of flesh and blood. It is submission to the greater Mission. It is an outward sign of an inward reality of Love. There is more to this than can be seen by our own eyes.

To be privileged to be given the opportunity to bring the Presence and to not betray Him or His love... It truly is the better portion and is given as a undeserved gift without any reward but His glory. This is Love.

This Presence remains with us even after we leave the Mass. We are "sent forth" ("ite missa est") to bring such a gift, such a pure gift. We become the outward sign of the inward reality. But why? Why do we leave this behind so easily? Why do we forget to love more purely? If we truly loved the Other more than words can describe and want what is ultimately the best for them, why do we hide such a profound gift as though it is a blemish instead of a blush? Is it because we are afraid of that Love's power? It is not without trial and rejection. No, His very love was rejected far worse! Is it that you do not believe because of others' human failures? Do not do this! For have you not seen with your own eyes His divine success?

To love is to be vulnerable, as C.S. Lewis once said, and that love is without question a test in trust. What if the beloved does not love? Love anyways. Love anyways but love in far more inventive ways. If by their rejection out of foolishness it becomes a game of responses out of shrewdness in love, do not be unlike the old widow before the judge and persist in seeking a just judgement. If such an incompetent judge can, out of sheer personal relief, issue a just judgement, how greater is the One who judges justly in Heaven? Love anyways! There are so many little rejections that must take place to say YES to HIM.

Do not grow weary of the endurance required for this Love if it is to be a seal set upon your heart (cf. Song of Songs 8:6). Do not betray the deep consolations He has given you in times of peace during those storms of desolation and half truths. They are greater than the storms we must traverse.

Let us not be like the foolish virgin who on the way ran dry of her oil and snuffed out her lamp waiting on the Bridegroom to pass by. We have all that we need for the way. Remain in Him.

If one loves another deeply with the depths the Lord has uniquely provided each to persist against all sorts of trials that image His trials born because of His love for us (cf. 1 John 4:18-19), then let us as that one do all the good works that He has prepared for us to enter into (cf. Ephesians 2:10) and do so without mental reservation. His sacrifice lacks nothing but our very own participation in it. Let us not stray from our cross but daily carry it after Him.

May He be present to each us and thus through the Church He established for Himself and washed in the water of His word "to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless" (cf. Ephesians 5:27).

May His love reign supreme.

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." - Ephesians 5:21-33

The Four Loves: Appreciative Love

Well, I'm writing again. I was a bit concerned with posting the last post, but it seemed to be a necessary step. For me all I have are the words to sort through to make sense of the emotions.

I don't know what I am longing for. I had a mini-crisis yesterday when I got to thinking about next year. Never have I been this clueless. At the same time it is a tad liberating to think that I don't have any big requirements of where I should be.

The freedom could be intoxicating, but for me this kind of freedom isn't free. It comes with my own expectations, my own concerns of how the future is to unfold. I need to be tied down, tied to a commitment. It motivates me. Without that motivation—whether that be academic, personal, or professional—I am nothing. With that motivation I have the willpower to make things happen, to pursue things and people to the ends of the Earth.

There are a few people that fit that build, but I don't sense that same drive with even a few of them. But this lies again in the area from my last post. I don't know what kind of friend I am supposed to be. More importantly, I don't know if my reality is set where theirs is. As it is, a relationship of any kind needs not reality, only mutual understanding. Where I am lacking is the sureness of the mutual understanding.

How does one address the feelings, the stirrings of the heart for a friend? If there was one thing I wish I knew, of all the secrets of the world, this would be the one I would want to know the most. I doubt at times how well-rooted my friends are even now, after all that we've been through. I fear if I even push the least again the friendship that it will fall over like a plant weakly rooted in soft ground.

I'm now endeavoring to read The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis again, a year after reading it before. I read it for the first time last fall, the most dynamic emotional period in my life. It was then when those rose-colored glasses came off. It was then when I awoke from my emotional slumber. This awakening is something I have yet to fully reconcile, but the battle is being won slowly. I read The Four Loves last fall to attempt to gain some insight into the feelings that waged within me, attempting to discern what those turbulent feelings were exactly. I still don't know what those feelings were about. I still don't know where that friendship stands. It stands on the shakiest of ground, but the book did provide some comfort in reading.

What I did learn from reading it that first time, which prompted my first poem—the one that is contained as a seed in every one of them since—and the relationship that it indirectly spoke of is encapsulated in the following quote from the book:

Need-love says of a woman 'I cannot live without her'; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection - if possible, wealth; Appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all.

Yes, those weren't the four loves. This pertains Lewis's initial divisions of the four loves' components. I wrestled with all three sub-types of love for the other that fall and into the spring. Slowly that love was put into its correct perspective and has now remained part-and-parcel wrapped in appreciative love. However, the seeds of the others remain and, with only the slightest of touches, can bring alive those sleeping dreams.

What my hope is in re-reading The Four Loves now is to do a self-assessment and to awaken myself to the inadequacies, to learn myself even better so that I can become a better person, a better friend, and hopefully in the future the kind of lover that I want to strive to be.

The Eagerness for the Fulfillment of Hope

The daily reading from yesterday's Mass struck a definite chord in my heart. It spoke directly to my heart and the troubles I have been feeling lately, namely those of this conflicting love in my heart. A few of the verses from the reading, the ones most pertinent to my heart at this time are as follows:

For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love you have demonstrated for his name by having served and continuing to serve the holy ones. We earnestly desire each of you to demonstrate the same eagerness for the fulfillment of hope until the end, so that you may not become sluggish, but imitators of those who, through faith and patience, are inheriting the promises. When God made the promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by whom to swear, "he swore by himself," and said, "I will indeed bless you and multiply" you. And so, after patient waiting, he obtained the promise. – Hebrews 6:10-16

While the context to which the preceding passage moved me is much lesser in significance, it still epitomizes how I should tread this very narrow tight-rope of loving desire. I know the Lord is there and is watching over me, wanting only the best. I must trust His will. I know I must not move from the tight-rope before me, lest I fall from the Grace the Lord has put before me. I shouldn't allow jealously or malice enter into my thoughts. Those two are among my most worrisome temptations for me at this time.

For it is much easier to let one's heart become hard when it is in pain. It much easier for it to become jealous and callous to touch when wrenched in pain. But as C.S. Lewis said, "To love at all is to be vulnerable." And right now, my heart is vulnerable. It is vulnerable to all sorts of whims, but I know it is also at the same time the most secure it will ever be. I have put my worries into the Lord's hands.

I will be patient in my heart, for I know the Lord will not overlook my work and the love I have demonstrated for His name, namely that unconditional love. For it is when all strings have been removed from our love, do we actual see the joy that is truly in our lives.

Go with God

Amid even the darkest of days, there are rays of sunshine ready to pour in if one looks close enough. This week has been a bit topsy-turvy for me, mostly centered on work and friends. As a result, my sleep schedule has suffered a bit, but what the heck. Friends are more important than sleep!

So when I went "in" on a football game watching party (the BCS championship was this past Monday), I didn't realize what that signed me up for! But yet, that night was the defining night of the week for me. It was something that I needed, and it was completely at the right moment.

Since the game was a blow-out in Florida's favor, we quickly moved to what turned out to be a 5-hour game of Monopoly with every underhanded trade and deal in the book. It was a rather interesting game of attrition that I sadly failed, buckling under the pressure around two. Now the phrase "I'll make a deal with you if I can have all your properties for a dollar when you go out" is emblazoned in my subconsciousness...and for good reason!

So last night, for good reason, came in a distant second. It was game night, Round Two. We started with Daily Mass again (as always) and then made it out to Northgate for burgers. Even me, the teetotaler of sorts, enjoyed the beer (and the shot at the Dry Bean). And I'm not a beer guy, so for me it was a pleasant surprise. Then came the Risk game at my house. I hadn't played the game in years. Things have just felt right this week. As if they were how they were supposed to be. As though all the troubles rushing through my mind were quieted long enough to enjoy the joy before me.

That joy would be best described as C.S. Lewis described it in his book Surprised by Joy, as something of a longing or as in German "Sehnsucht," which itself means "longing." That something of the sort of nostalgia for something, as Lewis puts it, "something we do not know." This something is specifically Heaven and being reunited with our Heavenly Father.

Both events this week, presented within me this joy of the present with a longing anticipation on the future. Those nights were something of which could, if possible, lock within a small box, and carry with me for all times until one day, wherever we end up in this world, I can, as if it were a gem, put it up to the light of day and see within it all the glory present within even the smallest of moments.

So, as for the title of this blog post. It is actually the English translation of the Spanish phrase "Vaya con Dios." It is found, among other places, above the front door of my friends' house, all of whom are Catholic. It has stuck with me, and with my emotions this week, I scribbled the poem below in a scant period of time. The words, as whenever I do write, are inspired by nothing more than those around me, those so dear to me. All I can hope for is the peace of what is held now, and the promise of what is to come.

I hope the words inspire you.


Go with God

When love hurts
And all the troubles of life
Come forth and shake your spirits,
Go with God.

When life seems too complicated
And every fear borne within you
Is exposed to the light of day,
Go with God.

When your sins bear down
And every past wrong done
Is remembered within your heart,
Go with God.

When the days you dream of
And every dream and wish you had
Are dashed to the oblivion of darkness,
Go with God.

When you have reached your last day
And all that was to come to pass
Has passed to fulfillment,
Know that you are loved,
For you went with God.

Ponderings on Desires

In life there is always a search for what one truly wants in life. These wants are most certainly different than our needs, but in rare cases the two can be as one.

I have undertook the reading of C.S. Lewis' book "The Four Loves" as a result of the recent Awakening I had staffed only last week. The retreat's theme was "Deus Caritas Est... Who Am I?" which means "God is Love...Who Am I?" This theme is based off Pope Benedict's first Encyclical letter "Deus Caritas Est," whose title is from 1 John 4:16. In Lewis' book, Lewis describes needs and wants in the confines of the four loves. Through it all, the basic understanding of the book is that there is a gift-love and a need-love in many aspects of life.

However, that’s enough of those musings. They shall remain for later discussion. What it is at heart that I have pondered the past few days over the holiday is this: What do I want for my life? What is it that most pleases me to see? What are my short-term desires and my long-term desires?

You might be saying to yourself at this moment, "Why is this fool talking about his wants and desires? Isn't it good enough to want and to know God's will, fulfill it, and be content?"

Well, as I sit here admiring the sunset of another blessed day, I must say to you this cannot be. For if we are to even attempt to know God's will, to even try to comprehend God's love, one must first know oneself.

But do we really know ourselves? I can tell you at this very moment, I do not and that is not unnatural or wrong. For if we knew ourselves like God knows us, we'd already have our lives planned out until death or we'd be frozen in fear to even see our own face.

So, again, I am pondering my desires. In this pondering, I have learned a few things: the human heart is a thorny object prone to pain; one's achievement matters not on one's own ability but on the willpower granted by God; and life, in all its glory, is incomprehensible to the human mind.

In these brief observations I am reminded of the need of patience in all things, even love. So it is true of the physical and emotional as it is in the spiritual.

How are we to love without patience? By its very statement, it would provide us a paradox and an impossibility. So too is my current desire, my want of the present time. I should apply patience to my love and to my current desire. In time the Lord shall answer me with His will. Only then will my desire be validated or invalidated. Only then should my desire be pursued.